How to deal with manipulated past relationship

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 kumarsumanabhishek4@gmail.com

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When betrayal is discovered, it is most often accompanied by an awful physical and psychological sense of disorientation. Consider how you have experienced this moment in the past, in your body and heart. Someone you thought you knew one minute became a stranger the next. You might have gotten literally nauseous, dizzy, and faint. The world no longer made sense because you were living in one reality, while your partner was living in another. Furthermore, this person you had trusted in the most intimate way was doing something that was in direct violation of your relationship agreements and your heart's needs. If the deception took place over a long period of time, it may have felt like a tsunami had been building and was now crashing hard as you realized all the moments of dishonesty, lying, and manipulation that went into this betrayal. If you felt like you had been punched in the stomach, you weren't far off.

Seen in this light, it's easy to understand why you would have a lot of psychic catching up to do. The energetic impact of betrayal is so profound that it transcends the psychological and manifests in the physical body. This aspect of betrayal can't be underestimated. While the specifics of the betrayal (the affair, the hidden life, the misuse of funds) can be shocking in and of themselves—and yes, there's plenty to work through and address in the story—underneath that story is the truth that on a foundational level you were living in a reality that wasn't actually real. You were making choices, large and small, in order to craft a life that rested on a foundation without integrity, and now everything is compromised.

You can recover from a betrayal and regain trust, faith, and openness to intimacy again, but in order to begin this process, you must acknowledge the incredible cost to your personal power and sense of self. Here again, the way through a loss like this is to understand and eventually embrace the initiation that is hidden within. There are many insights that can come with a betrayal, but one of the most fundamental is to discover for yourself what is actually true for you and what you can or will build your life upon in the future. While a betrayal will force you to release all that was built upon illusion, it will also leave you naked to the truth of what is not illusion—what will never slip away. This is the strength of who you are. It's your divine feminine essence, which can never be defeated or erased.

If you went through this long enough, your own self-perception may be skewed by your partner's perception of you. They may have told you things about yourself for long enough that they have left impressions in your psyche. It is important to name these impressions and the dynamics that kept them in place and then separate them from what is really true for you.

Let's do an exploration. To start, create two columns in your journal. In the left-hand column, list words you think your partner would use to describe you—your personality, your appearance, your strengths and your weaknesses. In the right-hand column, list how each of these words makes you feel. Try not to think too much about whether your partner really thought this way about you, as ultimately it's not important (we can't ever know for sure what someone else is thinking). Our goal here is to get a more complete picture of the impressions that were left inside you—what you're dealing with right now.

As you reconnect with the past in a more conscious way, I want to warn you again about the dangers of getting caught up in the definition of your former partner and who they might be. It can be an energetic trap. The purpose is not to relive these experiences in your mind and feel the emotions all over again, but rather to study the past experience and see it for what it was so that you can step outside of it. Often when it's on paper, you can spot the insanity and unreality of what your partner encouraged you to believe about yourself that just isn't true. Really seeing this, and believing it, is a huge step in reclaiming your personal power.

When you have completed your list, take a moment to consider what ritual might help you heal from the impressions left on your being. You could burn the list or shred it and release it to the wind. Alternatively, you could keep it in a special place as a reminder of what never to believe about yourself again. In any case, the point is to seal this up in a ritual way and give it an end point, to bring yourself fully and gently into your present moment.

When betrayal occurs, we can often hold on to a fantasy version of our past lover, even after the betrayal is exposed. The same goes for coming to terms with manipulation, as we realize that the stories that allowed us to continue in the relationship are no longer true for us and yet we may still hold on to them in some way. So many of us replay a fantasy version of our past lover that isn't reality. Creating the following two lists can help you see the past more clearly, as well as show you what's truly important to you in a relationship going forward.

First, create a list about your past lover where you describe your vision of them as a fantasy. This outlines what you thought they were, what you held out hope that they would become, or what they may have fooled you into believing about them. Here's an example:

Fantasy

He was so good with the kids.

He was so present and connected.

He was such a good provider.

He was such an amazing lover.

We had a magical soul connection.

He was savvy and sophisticated.

He was blah blah nonsense 

Next, make a list of what actually happened, who this person actually was. Don't qualify it by trying to hold on to their good qualities or some sense of the value of the relationship. In this list, focus on the areas where the betrayal or manipulation occurred. 

Here's an example:

Reality

When he traveled for work, he would fantasize flirting with other women.

He was an amazing lover for the first three months but then lost interest and started watching porn instead of making love to me.

He spent money on himself rather than on us.

He never washed his own dishes or offered to help with any of the household expenses, letting me do it all without even a thank-you.

He criticized the way I dressed and made comments about my money wasted,” making me feel awkward and self-conscious.

Get real about the way this person actually treated you. What actions shaped your relationship, beyond words and sentiments?

Perhaps at the start of the relationship it was wonderful. Quite possibly it will take some time to fully reckon with the person they became or revealed themselves to be.

I'm not referring to self-responsibility and mature inquiry into what role you played in perhaps undermining trust or intimacy. This exercise centers on your impressions of your partner, and again I encourage you to set aside self-blame as you work through it. This doesn't mean pretend that you didn't play a part—because in fact taking responsibility for yourself and your actions is a huge part of the process of breaking free from past lovers. We will devote the next chapter to it. Internalizing blame is different than taking responsibility, and as you work with these concepts, you will get better and better at knowing the difference.

Inquiry Practice

This next practice will mine your experiences of betrayal and manipulation from past relationships and transform them into wisdom.

First, make four columns in your journal: The Truth, How I Knew, Why I Allowed, and The Gold.

The Truth: In the first column, describe truthfully what happened in your past relationship. Now that you're outside of it and have the power of hindsight, you can characterize the main points and qualities. For example:

He was having an affair with Dipika,Your friend,your bff,aditi or anyone else

He was shaming me to conceal his own insecurities.

He was interested in the financial security I was providing, but not in me.

How I Knew: In the second column, describe how you knew things were off and what signs were available to you. For most women I work with, they knew in some way but didn't want to believe it. Whether it's our own unwillingness to see or the masterful manipulation of our partner, when we look back we can see the body language, signs, situations, and explanations from our partners that defied common sense. Look deeply at how you knew then or how you might have known if you were willing to admit it. Here lies your power for the future: getting in touch with you intuition to uncover things as they are.

Why I Allowed: Next, think about why you allowed this behavior. With gentleness and open honesty, look into why you allowed what was, in the end, unacceptable and damaging to you. Security, a sense of caretaking, a desperate need to be loved and seen by this person, a longtime fantasy of the perfect relationship, shame, not wanting to have a public divorce . . . it could be any number of things. Be as specific as you can, because this is how you unhook yourself from the inside from the dynamics of the past. This is how you free yourself now and have enough awareness of your motives to stop creating these dynamics in the future.

The Gold: In the fourth column, you get to claim the gold—the hidden treasure in your experience. What do you have now that you otherwise would never have attained? What commitment to yourself have you made that you will never betray? What did this experience initiate you into as a woman of power, wholeness, and clarity of mind?

You have everything you need inside yourself. You are now and forever your own deepest ally and advocate, and you will continue to be so in every intimacy you choose from here on out. Take the time to reckon with betrayal, manipulation, and mistreatment and receive their gifts of strengthening your intuition and learning what's important to you. Free yourself from self-blame and shame, and you are taking another step toward reclaiming your personal power, establishing sexual sovereignty, and becoming an ally to yourself that you can fully trust, with the certainty that you will never abandon yourself again.

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kumarsumanabhishek4@gmail.com